My Perfect Horoscope

Do your follow your horoscope each day? Sometimes my horoscope sounds like more of a horrorscope. Would you like to read a horoscope that is perfect for you? Here is my version of a perfect horoscope for the week. I hope it makes you chuckle. 

 

Virgo***August 23 - September 21

 

When you feel tense, indulge in a soothing bubble bath or Swedish massage. Avoid starting new projects now if you're out of duct tape.

 

Libra***September 22 - October 22

 

You will be driven to distraction by the vague indecipherable mutterings of a self-proclaimed poet. Regain your concentration with a funny DVD marathon....or a romp in the sack.

 

Scorpio***October 23 - November 21 

 

Johnny Depp will appear in your dream and tell you to follow him. Go! Jump on the wave of productivity and plan out that dream vacation.

 

Sagittarius***November 22 - December 20

 

There comes a time in every person's life when he or she must move aside and let the younger generation take over. Now is not the time for you.  Your children are not old enough to take over the moonshine still.

 

Capricorn***December 21 - January 19

 

Your next door neighbor pulls down her blinds every night. She may be hiding something. You're quick to point fingers but get proof before you blame a friend.

 

Aquarius***January 20 - February 17

 

Someone finally tells you what a sweet, thoughtful, considerate person you are. Don't take it too seriously. It's a common tactic used by fundraisers.

 

Pisces***February 18 - March 20

 

A sudden outpouring of love and support from your family and friends should be your first clue that you've hit the lottery jackpot.

 

Aries***March 21 - April 19

 

The devil will appear in a cloud of fire and brimstone to prove to you once and for all that he did not, in fact, make you do it. Tell a pushy pal no when she pressures you to accompany her down the wrong path.

 

Taurus***April 20 - May 19

 

You will make the right choice between a rich and fulfilling social life or rich and filling desserts. Be sure to stock up on chocolate and caramel.

 

Gemini***May 20 - June 20

 

You may feel cheated when you discover there is no law on the books that says you must be nice to elderly ladies. Watch out for sarcasm. Loose lips can be as painful as a staple gun to the face.

 

Cancer***June 21 - July 22

 

You think of yourself as having a wonderful sense of humor but you really don't see anything funny about polyester pants, belching the alphabet, talking ducks, or passing gas.

 

Leo***July 23 - August 22

 

You will be shaken to the core...especially if you're strapped to a paint can shaker while it's running.  You will soon realize that your mommy isn't the only one who thinks you're special. 

 

© Dianna Doles-Petry

9/21/2010